The sun is back... sorta.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The sun is back... sorta.

Today seems like it will be a better day. At least I'm not as sad today as I was yesterday. Still kinda pissy though and of course I still don't wanna go to work tomorrow and I'm still a bit hurt from text - arguing with my bf for a few days, but, "it is what it is" I suppose and this is my pathetic boring life and I should just get use to it.

Take it or leave it I guess.

Looks like the sun was struggling to come out here and I really hope it is successful in streaming into my windows! The kitties are dying for some sun about as much as I am! My browser is telling me that it is only 71 degrees out... Brrrr...that's a cool, fall day to me. My allergies are really kicking in today so that is another great sign that fall is here.

My daughter loves the fall. I hate it. lol. Well, I do love the very beginning when it all starts to make the change over - but then I hate it cause it's just a prelude to the long freaking winter we have here.

I didn't get any good pictures of my vacation it seems. I got a few of my bf and most were of his kids in the water. My daughter only went in the water a bit (she hates the ocean) and of course I was with her - so I couldn't take any pictures.. And I'm sure nobody took any of me when I was with her.
I got a few of her tanning, but that's about it. My bf didn't care to get any of *us* so there are none of us either.
That sucks because I really wanted some great pictures of us together. And of all the kids together too. But whatever.

It seems that when I get upset - all the things that bother me, and that I can push away, come flooding back in. I think that was my biggest issue this past weekend/last night/today.

I can ignore them for the most part. But when I am sad and down it seems I let the pain surface again, and I hate that.
Remember my post, about my broken clit? Well, even that was bothering me last night. I feel so non sexual and so *un womanly* (is that even a word? lol) that my clit don't work. It's awful. Really. I don't feel sexy anymore. I feel blah and a like a total failure because my own fucking body has betrayed me.

I even bought a book (I Touch edition) about body image and getting your thinking back on track to loving your body for what it is! And thinking maybe... just maybe, my clit is broken because I hate my body and feel that until I am thin - I get no pleasure. But even the book suggests that we all need to be within our "healthy BMI range."

No shit Sherlock, I have been trying, but have not gotten there yet, so I feel as though I might as well give up. What's the point. My bf don't care if I am fat or thin, so it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.
I wanted to be thinner for him too, not just for myself. That way he does not have to be fucking a lard ass all the time. When I put on a *nice outfit* I might as well be wearing a garbage bag. Same thing.

Have not even bothered to check the adult site yet. Got a lot of emails and invites though. I get email notification, so I know there has been a few. But...lately I am not currently interested in any. I wouldn't get off anyways, so what does it matter?

I guess I'm just fucked up or something because I need to feel a sexual chemistry with the person I would be fucking. Which, really makes no sense to not have that. But whatever - I'm doing it wrong I guess.

Would help if I had a swinging/hotwife handbook so I could figure out all this stupid petty shit. Anyone got any ideas on if I should actually be liking the person I sleep with as a plaything? Or, should I be able to fuck them without ANY attraction to them?