Friday, October 23, 2009
Friday and fitness...
Seriously, I am thinking about giving up the fitness Fridays. I can't seem to get my ass in gear these days.
I am however, back to eating a bit better and staying (somewhat) away from the junk food.
Except for Tuesday and Thursday - my bf was here and we got *take out* food both nights. I suppose he has to eat something, since I do not cook, he has to buy takeout.
As for any form of fitness, I have just not done it. I don't know why. I think it might have stemmed from being sick. I gave it up and have not been able to jump back on and get going.
But - I have started my therapy light though and am actually sitting here in front of it as I type! I guess you can call this "mental fitness..." heehee...
It is working a bit I think. Not a whole hell of a lot though. I am still pretty bluesy, but getting better. Not really been in the mood for any sex though. That might be related to my stomach looking like I'm 6 months pregnant...lol. It's really been gross off and on. As soon as I can get insurance I will be getting it rechecked!
My bf says that my posts have been a little depressing - so If they are then I gotta apologize. I don't mean to sound so "down" all the time. I just figure that writing about how I am feeling helps a bit to get it out and forgotten about. I don't actually confide in anyone so writing it here helps me. But I guess I can dwell on things too much at times.
I have also started reading this book - "The Tender Heart" It's pretty interesting. It explains that being sensitive is more of a personality trait and not a "flaw." It explains how having that trait can lead to insecurity. A lot of the time insecurity is masked really well - until something can trigger it in us and it rears it's full blown head. (like the sudden death of my brother a few years ago)
While some of the reviews were not too good - I feel that it is actually helping me to understand myself a bit more. I am insecure. I know I am. I have never been as bad as I am now though. Many of us are insecure in some small way. But for a person who has a sensitive personality - a bad up bringing can turn it into a huge problem.
For the most part I can hide it, but I am always second guessing myself, worrying about what others think, have issues with abandonment, etc...
For example - when my bf and I have a fight - (like we did last night) he use to just leave in the past and go home. Well, I have abandonment issues, so every single time he would leave it felt like I was *being abandoned* and it would hurt me for a long time and bring up all kinds of fears that we were done and all that.
So, I learned to "adapt."
Now when we fight - Instead of him leaving - I tell him to go home and it does not hurt as much. That way I do not feel as "abandoned" as I did before. I have learned to "throw him out" so I feel less "vulnerable."
I'm not sure if that makes any sense - but to a person like me - it helps me cope with the fight better!
That's what I have learned so far - and it's nice to know I am not crazy. Just sensitive - and now... totally insecure..lol
So, does anyone want to fess up and tell me what they are insecure about? Maybe public speaking? Abandonment? Looking stupid....etc?
I feel that the only way for me to be able to change is if I understand the things that trigger my behavior. And then when I understand them - I can apply what I need to make the changes. But I am a creature that wants to understand the why's of pretty much everything in my life! Sometimes it can be a blessing. And other times not so much.
But then again... knowledge is power.
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7 comments:
Dear Sexy,
October 24, 2009 9:37 AMBlogging is a nice way to let it all out. And your readers are all behind you. I remember you said your new apartment gets betting light - that always help. Sunny days always cheer me up and I hate cloudy days.
Whenever I get into trouble or a bad situation I fool myself by telling myself that it's no big deal. If I have a loss I'll tell myself it could've been worse.
But you know what? Life is no big deal. It is journey we go through and all we can do is make the best of it we can.
Hey, lets go trick or treating together.
Kisses,
-Amy
Why don't you cook? ANYTHING you cook would be better for you than fast food and prepackaged stuff (mostly because of sodium and additives). AND, depression can be aided through diet and vitamins.
October 24, 2009 9:43 AMAnd, lady, you posted pics of yourself the other day and your stomach does NOT look like you're six months pregnant! You're lovely!
Amy - Thanks. You are very kind. :) Would love to go trick or treating with you! :) Imagine the fun! heehee...
October 24, 2009 10:32 AMBitchtits - I cook for my daughter when she wants or needs me too. I pretty much only eat chicken/vegies at home though. I never eat prepackaged stuff like pasta, and such. Snacks are my only bad vice when it comes to prepackaged.
My bf loves food and eats most anything - so if wants to eat something he can cook it himself, it's not my job. I'm a gf - not a mommy.
Thank you for the compliment! Angles, sucking stomach in, and not breathing make for a great photo! And the bloating comes and goes. The next time it is really bad, I will take a picture - it's gross.
I am very insecure about a lot of things...I have lots of issues and could write a book but I hate throwing it all out there!
October 26, 2009 2:03 PMDirty - I do too. But, I understand it a bit better I think. I will post about it soon. It's good to get out. And if you ever need to talk, feel free to drop me an email anytime!
October 26, 2009 6:08 PMSexy...we are kindred spirits, I am convinced of it...LOL! I too have battled depression off and on since I was a teenager. I too have insecurities, constantly second guess myself, wish I had more self confidence, etc. What am I insecure about? My body without a doubt, whether or not I'm a good mom, the decisions I make at work, the list could go on. You get the idea.
October 26, 2009 6:44 PMI am learning in my old age that life is a journey. I am starting to enjoy this process of understanding myself and finding newer, healthier ways to cope. Seek out all those things you feel aid you in that journey. Some things will turn out not to be so healthy or helpful, and you'll pitch those out in favor of those that do. To that end, I find that exercise often helps move me towards a better frame of mind. Perhaps approaching exercise as "mental" therapy secondary to the physical benefits it can produce for you would be helpful. And, by the way, we've seen half nekkid pictures of you and your tummy looks great to me!! I know that yucky bloated feeling you are talking about though and I hate it too!!
Here's hoping you are feeling better soon! :-)
Mimi - I agree. I thought we had a lot in common the first time I read your blog! I totally understand your insecurities. I have the same thoughts as well.
October 26, 2009 9:34 PMI think exercise helps me a great deal too. I just wish I could actually keep up with doing it longer then 6 months at a time!
Thank you for the comments bout my tummy. When I'm not all bloated I can suck it in ok and I think it looks ok...
Honestly though, sometimes it can be really bad. Kinda scares me sometimes. But as soon as I get insurance I will be getting it checked out!
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