Sexy At Forty: June 2009

My many questions!

So, I had a few questions that I wanted to ask our more experienced blog readers here.

When I first "learn something" I wanna know all about it. In's and outs ups and downs etc...
And now I am beginning to have many questions. I thought that I would ask here because you all might have had the same thoughts or questions at one time or another.

I have asked my bf and although he is very understanding and patient with me... I think I might need more of a woman's perspective on this.

The first question is this:

1. I have always been a one man woman. How do I learn how to look at a man - as a one night stand? It is easier for men - they can separate the emotional from the physical.
But, I can't totally do that. It's very hard for me to look at a guy and think - *lust... I wanna screw him.*

2. How long do I email chat with them? I have been "sorta" emailing a guy and although he sounds nice and he is ok looking and very considerate in answering my questions, I am thinking of him like a "person" and not a fuck toy.

My hunny said maybe he just isn't the one and I agree. I will give him till Friday and if I am not having thoughts of screwing him, then I will stop email chat.

3. There was another guy who looked pretty hot... and as SOON as he said, "he was interested"

You could literally hear the brakes screeching!

It's like I am right there - looking in the door but I am so afraid to open it and cross over to the other side. So afraid to flirt and stuff. Hell, I honestly don't even KNOW how to flirt!

I almost feel as though I am cheating or something...Even though my bf knows, encourages and supports me!

But.... what IF.... I go through with it. And we hook up with another guy. What happens if my bf does not like it, or hates it even?
Then... to me I feel as though I hurt him. And I cannot stand to hurt him. What if he gets jealous and freaks? What happens then?

He is my man. My life, my hero, my everything.

I think I might just be getting cold feet cause the talk is starting to manifest into becoming real. And, I might be really screwing another man with my hunny with me.

Have any of you ladies thought the same way? Is it normal to have these thoughts?

I would love to hear from you all!

***And as a side note here - shit! I feel like crap. My cold is peaking I think, my fever has spiked and I feel like I've been hit by a bus... twice.
My poor hunny now is displaying the same symptoms and although I really feel awful about him catching my cold Saturday... It was sooooo totally worth it. :) ***

Our weekend - Part 1.

For starters, this post comes to you via drug induced sleepiness/silliness so please forgive me if I don't make sense at times.
But take comfort in knowing that I am feelin Fiiiiine right now though. And my cough is a bit quieter and my aches and pains have eased!

YEAY for Benadryl.. Weeeeee!

I am not the greatest at remembering details, and quite honestly I think not ALL details of our personal life should be spilled, so forgive me if I leave out some juicy bits. I am still a pretty private person, so it will take a bit before all comes spilling out through posting.

First, I gotta say - this was my first time sleeping over at my bf's house - ever! In the 6 years we have been together - this was a big step for me!

Sheesh! All these big girl steps I have been taking lately! What is going on!?

For starters - I have always considered myself a responsible mom. My daughter was not to be left home alone. Period. Her dad is an ass and there would be no way he would take her for the night so I could sleep out! My daughter is now graduated from H.S, and is over 18.

So, as I stated in my profile it is time for me... And sleeping out just happens to be one of the "me" things I will be doing.

For the second thing - I am an incredibly stubborn and pigheaded woman (at times!) so on the occasion that my bf and I would break up and get back together, I would halt all the closeness stuff, for the fear of getting too close again. This is my issue - not his, and I am trying very hard to work through this. So far I think I am doing a bit better!

We didn't get to his house till around 6pm because he was picking me up and we had to run to Walmart and all that. Ya know - I still gotta be a good mommy and get household supplies! He brought me to where he works and gave me the tour of it, and also showed me the pretty feral kitty that he takes care of by feeding it. (awwww)

When I got to his house - I gotta tell you I felt right at home. Like I belonged. It was a really nice feeling to have. Of course he is a great host too, gave me the tour and all that.
After I doped myself up with Advil for my fever and body aches, we hopped online and looked around at the adult sites for a bit.

(can I just tell you - Advil with the liquid gelcaps are AMAZING! They started working in 20 minutes flat)

Wasn't much on the sites, but it was fun to look. Honestly it's amazing on how many penis pictures you can see there. lol
After that he cooked some chicken and burgers on the grill, we ate and watched tv and talked.
It was soooo nice!
Then he got the dreaded call from the answering service. He had to run to work to take care of a few problems.
So we got in the truck and went to his work, we didn't spend too long there - maybe 25 minutes or so but I loved just hanging in the truck and waiting for him! It was cool. And I had wifi on my I Touch, so I just checked out my Facebook and all that while I was waiting.

After we went back to his house I sat on his lap on the couch and we made out for a while. I love sitting on him like that. For some reason I can get really turned on. I don't know why... maybe it's cause I can grind on his lap as we are making out. Maybe it's cause he is such an amazing kisser ... who knows... But I love it!

Somewhere in between coming back to the house and making out I let my daughter know I was not going to be home tonight.. ( I'm such a big girl!!)

Not long after he said, "let's go to bed." heehee... Of course I was not gonna say no!

So we went upstairs and took some pictures and just had fun talking and being silly. After the pictures we had amazing - freaking - mind blowing - hot sex!

He took a ton of different shots, but of course I am incredibly picky so I deleted most. The ones we did take will prob go here for HNT.

And, no I'm sorry to say I didn't have 634 orgasms... I had three and he had two. Mine were two from the night and one the next morning. ( yup... I wanted to screw him in the am too - so I woke him up with a blow job)

I know - I know - you are all thinking...Sheesh! That's it? only three?

::gasps from the readers::

It's true kids. And I am one hell of a happy sexually satisfied woman despite the other 631 I did not have that night.
But since I am tired now from a long day, I think I will wait to tell you all how the rest of my night went.

And hey - I would like to take this moment to say thank you to ASM from Another Suburban Mom for making my blog the spotlight blog of the week! That was so nice and also totally unexpected! You rock!

My 30 second post...

Short post to just let you all know that I had a GREAT weekend with my ever amazing bf. Despite the fact that I got a miserable sore throat, fever and a tight cough - my weekend was really, really good.
Tomorrow is Monday, and they usually kick my ass because it's the beginning of the work week - especially this week because it's month end. :(

I will try to write a post early in the week here to update you all. And... I might just have a few pictures to share too!

Oh - and thanks to all of you that keep leaving such wonderful comments about my blog... I really enjoy writing and I hope I can be writing for a long while!

::huggs to everyone!::

Blogs and cock! Oh my!

Well, I am VERY happy to say that my bf liked my blog! I was a bit worried that he wouldn't like it - or think I was too revealing, or something.
Like I said in my first post, I am not new to blogging, been around for a bit one could say.. lol.
I had some good blogs and also some bad blogs before. I think this blog might just be my best one yet! And even more so now that I am sharing it with my bf!

I am anonymous and would like to remain that way. This allows me to grow some balls and finally be totally open and honest with my wants, needs and desires! If I was to show actual (face) pictures to someone or a couple it would be at my discretion and all that. I get to "pick and choose" as to who I want in my life to see and know me as I am. And I like that!

The fact that I can be behind a screen helps me to focus on my thoughts a whole lot more and it helps me to actually think about the ideas as I am writing them. Searching for the correct words to type out also forces me to actually think about it in a way that I never thought possible too. Meaning - being honest and revealing my inner thoughts.

I have made a promise to myself that I won't stop being truthful. Even IF I feel stupid and start to become shy. That is a biggie for me. I hate looking and feeling stupid.

***************************************************

Last night was nice. I wasn't as "assertive" as I would have liked to be, but my kid was due home shortly (or so I thought) so I was a little on the edge.

You would figure by this time I wouldn't be! But I am.

He was nice and hard though, just how I like it, and of course it made me want him just that much more! He is "on call" for the week, so it's kinda hard to do anything when the on call week rolls around.

But... If I can, I am going to go to his place and be a very, very, bad dirty girl for him. :)

Ok, can I just tell you all how much I like this picture? It really looks hot!

There is just something about this picture that I really like. Maybe because I loved this position... Or the fact that the guys are really hard... Or that she is sucking the guys cock!

Who knows... Maybe it's all three. :)

A simple HNT.

Darn it! I wanted to actually try to do a HNT entry today. I remember when I had blogs before I use to do them, was kinda fun!

But the only pictures I have were the ones I sent my bf last night after my work out. This is pretty tame compared to some I have seen. But that's ok, I am not one to "bare all." If you guys are keeping up with my blog you can see that I am a pretty shy person, so this is like - pushing it! lol

To my bf is a different story.. he get all the shots, but on the web I feel a tad odd.

Anyways, here is a pic that I sent to my man. I liked it cause my boobies were looking straight and not as saggy and stuff. heehee...

Sheesh, sometimes I can be toooo picky about my looks! lol

I wasn't going to tell my bf about my blog here, but I think I will. I started this blog because I thought it was a great way to be able to save all the hot pictures he sends me. I don't like keeping them on my computer here - my daughter uses it too!

And I also wanted it as an outlet for all our sexual adventures! It's not like I can strike up a conversation with my coworkers or anything. And although my bf is the only guy I can really talk to about it... I'm sure he doesn't wanna listen to it ALL the time!

But, I miss him not reading my stuff. And I like him to be involved with my thoughts and writings. I remember how it use to turn him on big time, sometimes to read my stuff.

My only thoughts are that I will start to "censor" my thoughts. Like fantasies and stuff if I get to embarrassed.

But, I am going to PROMISE myself that I will not do that. I want us to grow closer both emotionally and also sexually. And I think this is a great place to do so!

So hunny.... if you are reading this - it's because I actually told you about it.. Me loves you baybee! And I hope you really enjoy reading about all my silly, dirty little thoughts. :)

Fathers day thoughts

I was thinking of writing something for fathers day, but when I was reading some other blogs, I realized that I really could not write much. And then I became a bit sad, and cried a bit...

I cried because of all the things I have missed about having a dad.

I lost my dad at the age of 14. So I really never had a chance to know him all that well. My drunken mother threw him out of the house when I was three. So I only remember my dad on Sundays when he was allowed to come visit - and also as I grew older and went to his place for a few weeks during summer vacation.

I do know that when he did die, I was devastated. He was the one and only person that I loved and trusted in this world. He would take me to visit "his side" of the family on some Sundays and when I was allowed to stay at his place we would go around and make the visits to my "half sister and brothers" and all that. It was actually a fun time for me then. Driving in the car, with my feet hanging out the window... listening to the brakes on the Chevy Impala he drove...

My mom was a drug abusing drunk. And she decided to turn gay and lived with a cruel heartless douchebag of a woman who would hit me for just "being a kid."

My dad hated her and so did I. I don't blame him. She really did come in and ruin my life - and his.

My dad, although a bit timid - was a good man. He had morals and he did what was right in life. He protected me as much as he could possibly do, but my mothers nasty, crazy lover was always there threatening to "take me away." She was a cunt - in the worst possible sense.

So I was a good girl growing up. Never wanted to do anything wrong because I was so terribly afraid that she would not allow me to see my dad when the weekend rolled around. I became afraid to do everything and anything that would piss her off.

Although I was not able to know my dad as an adult, I don't doubt that if he was alive today we would have been close. And even though it's been 28 years, I still miss him. And I still was able to learn some things from him.

My dad taught me how to love.
He taught me what a "normal" family was like.
He taught me to be honest and stand up as best as I could for what I believed in.
He taught me patience.
And he taught me to not give up - even if I wanted to.

He was an amazing man. He deserves to be honored today. Not just cause he's my dad, but because he was a Navy man too.

If only "Heaven" could read blogs. He would know how much he is missed and loved.

Handy dandy aps

Ya know what is really cool? It's really cool when you can be sitting here watching the new X Files movie on HBO and typing out a blog entry on your I Touch! I just love having cool gadgets to play with. I can't wait until my phone contract renews and I can get the new I Phone. It will be really fun to use it I if I get to use all the awesome aps that they make! I'm pretty sure that you can use all the same ones and there is even more space too. My boyfriend thinks I am such a "pretty geek" when I start getting into all my phone stuff and Sims 3 gaming..I just love all that fun stuff. Maybe we should try a roleplay with me being a computer tech or something! I always get all shy and embarassed when we do regular roleplay, maybe playing what I know most will keep me from getting to nervous! Who knows- sounds like a kinda fun idea though. And I'm sure my bf won't say no to it either!

Hormones are better...for now.

Things seem to be a bit better today. At least I'm not so completely bitchy today.

Maybe half.....

My bf never ended coming down last night which was probably better anyways. I had such a hormonal headache that it wasn't funny. It's better now. Still there a bit but it's manageable. We would have ended up fighting because I would have probably tried to start a fight because I was feeling bad and down about myself.

I'm still a bit hormonal today - but I am feeling better about the dress. It IS a clingy type of dress, so I should have expected it to hug the flaws as well as the positives I suppose. I think it does look ok on me though, and with my working out and ab exercises I will eventually lose the troll like appearance I think.

I am so looks conscious sometimes. I can't say that all the time because it's not on my mind 24/7. But I really hate looking stupid with what I wear, and for that reason I *hide* behind my jeans and oversized tee shirts.

My poor boyfriend though has had to listen to me whine all day. I feel bad in some ways. I don't have any "girlfriends" and he sometimes gets the whining parts. He truly is a good man to put up with me!

Honestly, I was getting annoyed because he tells me it doesn't look so bad - when I know it does!

Men are like that. They tell their wives and girlfriends that they "look good" because it's the right thing to do! And I am NOT an idiot. I know when I look good in stuff and when I don't.

And I hate to be told I am just being critical of myself - when I am not. I am a realist and I am not afraid to be true to myself an call it if I look like shit.
I am NOT the type of woman that wears a pair of spandex with my fat bulging out, all the while "convincing" myself I look good!

I am the type of woman that will spare the general population from looking at nasty shit like that. I dress so that others will view me as casual - not a lard ass.
I am overweight and I am not afraid to admit it. And I am working on changing that by dieting/eating clean and also exercise. I did not become overweight by eating freaking carrots. I am overweight from thinking I could eat 5 servings of potato chips in a day. And then not moving my ass from the couch all winter.

I'm not. Honestly. And I DO NOT view others in the same light either. If someone is fat and they are ok with that - then so be it! Some people look great being a bit overweight - and that is fine with me. Their lives/their bodies.
But for me it's not ok. I know that 117 was a great weight for me. And I let myself get to 145 at one point. Considering I am ONLY 5 feet - it was not a good thing.

Ok... I'm done with my rant for now I guess.

Can I just add...I love my bf.. He puts up with so much sometimes. Sometimes I wonder why he does.

My total crankiness episode.

I am a total crank bag right now. My bf was going to come down tonight, but I am just in no mood to be hanging with anyone right now!

I suppose it's cause I am "due" for the monthly curse. Actually, it started today. (Sorry if that's TMI guys) But, what really ticked me off was the fact that - despite all my working out - my tummy has yet to get thinner like I'd like and when I tried my new dress on today it looked pretty good.

UNTIL I turned to the side.

I look about 5 months pregnant. And with the bloating I have and the fact that I have been trying so hard to lose that tummy, it was just the straw that broke the poor camel's back.

I have dropped almost 10 lbs. And I am so happy about that. But my stomach is where I keep my fat storage - you know - the "apple" shape. Fucking gross.

And I really want to look good for not only myself, but for my bf. I wanna be that sexy, good looking woman for him, and that dress hugging in all the wrong places - it totally depressed me tonight.
I workout 5 days a week. My arms look good, my legs I love. But that damn stomach is just so hard to get to move.
I want to wear nice dresses for him. And I want to wear my "school girl" outfit and my teddies and fishnet stockings.

I just refuse to do it while I look like this.

I am most definitely not one of those women that try to talk myself into "feeling ok" about myself. I am a realist - and I am not afraid to be critical if something looks wrong! I look like a fat, pregnant woman in that dress. And it's disgusting.

It's NOT disgusting to be pregnant, not by any means... I have been pregnant before and I loved it. But I am NOT preggers, so it's pretty bad that I should "look" like I am.

I want to be at my target weight that I have been trying to reach for all these past months. That weight should be about 115. I will even *settle* for 120. But, I also want to be fit and tone.

I watch my caloric intake, and use my hand weights to tone and sculpt. I also do cardio at least 4 times a week for an hour. I am getting tired of my metabolism sitting on it's fat ass and not moving!

Ok... I guess I am done pissing and moaning for now...

My trip to the toy store

So, yesterday I did it. I bit the bullet and actually got my ass into the adult sex toy store! And to be totally honest with you, I was a bit disappointed!

My bf was coming down last night so we could go food shopping together and we planned on hitting the adult store before the doing the food shopping deed. I was getting a bit nervous on the way there but tried not to think about it too much. It's not too far from my place so I really didn't have all that much time if I wanted to change my mind! I figured though, I had to at least live up to the *goal* that I had set for myself.

My bf being the kind gentleman he is asked me about 3 times if I was ok with it and that we didn't have to go if I did not want to.

But I was going! So be it!!!

When we first got there I walked in and immediately felt like an idiot. Well, I felt super shy... and kinda embarassed. I'm not NEW to sex toys, been using them for years, I just usually order them from the comfort of my own home.. lol

To actually go and pick em out with other "watching" kinda freaks me out...a bit.

When we got there we went to the costume section on the right of the wall first, and of course I had to make fun of them all. When I get nervous, I turn into an ass.

Seriously though, I will never dress like an idiot for my bf. Not with my body looking the way it does anyways!

Then we went to the vibrating toys section. They did not actually have a wide range of toys, and most were way too big to be sticking up my crotch! I am not a fan of big, wide vibrators or dildos. It's uncomfortable for me. It's just not fun if it's too big.

They did however have about 15 different styles of those damn "rabbit" vibes. I don't know what the fun is with those - to me they look stupid. And having something that looks stupid, like a big hot pink rabbit vibe up my twat just does not appeal to me.

Don't ask me why...I'm strange like that.

I like my vibes or dildos to look and feel real. Not look and feel like hard plastic or look like some animal creature. Seriously, who thinks this stuff up? I don't *really* want a bunny, dolphin, monkey or anything else animalish - up my twat!

After that we kinda looked at the cock rings/small vibe thingies. We could not decide on one, so we wandered by the movies and then to the bondage where I kinda loudly *mentioned* that we were in the butt plug and freak section...

Ok, ok....So I didn't mean it to *sound* mean... but it mighta came out that way. Thankfully, only a few couples were in the store. And I don't think anyone heard me - there was music playing in the store.

Then we were in the dildo section. A couple looked ok. I wanted to get a dildo that looked real, and that also had a suction cup, so my bf could watch me fuck it, while he was in front of me. That way it was kinda like a *threesome.*

There was one that looked ok. It was not huge, looked sorta real. Not florescent pink anyways..lol. And it did not glow in the dark... (WTF?)

It had a reddish/pink head on it though which I didn't find too appealing. But...it did vibrate, so that was kinda cool.

Then we moved around the store a few times. Back to the vibe section, movies, etc..

All in all we were there about an hour and we (or rather I) settled on the vibrating realistic looking dildo. He ended up getting a vibrating cock ring thingy.

Apparently, while we were there there was a couple that he said kept following us throughout the store! I sorta noticed it, but didn't pay much attention to it till he mentioned it after we left and were on our way to the food store.

I thought it was funny and said they were probably just looking for the same stuff as we were.

Until I turned around and saw them walking in to the food store! Now THAT was funny.

She was kinda cute - according to my bf. Tall, maybe early 30's looking a tad "Butch" with her short brown hair.

And of course the guy was like 25 years older, bald and way overweight. ::gags::

Why men can't try to keep themselves in shape is beyond me. If I was him, I would think staying in shape would be a good thing!

Anyways, I really thought there would be way more of a selection, being it's a "superstore" and all. But they really did not have a lot at all. I'm sure I will go back again with my bf, I don't feel as stupid now. But I won't have such high expectations that it will have a ton of stuff, next time around!

A hot fantasy?

Can I just tell ya... I really, really want to try this...

There HAS to be a hot chick out there that would like to try this for the first time too. I would probably cum just about instantly if I did.

My hot dress

I think I may just be losing my mind somewhere. Something inside me is changing. I do not know if it's because I have been listening to some awesome subliminal/meditation MP3's on my I Touch or if it's because I have been (finally) steadily losing the weight I wanted and toning up. Whatever it IS... I am liking it more and more.

First of all, let me just say that my idea of "being dressy" is wearing a pair of jeans - without holes and a pair of sneakers that are clean.. lol.

I grew up with a parent that was not only a drunk, but a drug addict. There was no love in my household. No nurturing, no self esteem building. Then I met a man at 17 whom I was with until 2002. Let's just say he was a wonderful guy - if everything went his way. He was both verbally and emotionally abusive - to put it nicely.

Speed up to present day - I have NO self esteem. I have battled with this my entire life and as much as I do NOT want to pinpoint my past as the culprit - the evidence is all too overwhelming.

I have been emotionally scarred (?) way more then I even care to admit.

This brings me to the title of my post......

This is the dress I bought today - to actually wear! (The picture is NOT of me, but of the dress!)I showed it to my bf and his reply was, " GET IT!" "OMG....GET IT"

He says I am going to look amazing in this dress. And here is a secret ....................

I think I might!

Keep in mind that I have not actually worn a dress since 1985. I'm totally serious - 1985. Beach cover ups don't count.. lol

Yesterday, at the Graduation I was semi dressy - had a button down shirt/sweater with decent cleavage and dress pants with heels and my bf could not keep his hands off me when we were alone last night! While he was fucking me (very hard I might add) I kept staring at him because the lust in his eyes was incredible! It made me so incredibly hot when looking at him!

He kept remarking how hot I looked last night. It really made me feel good. And I think - in a small little way I am starting to believe him when he says I am beautiful and all that.

Did I tell you what an incredible man he is? He really has put up with a lot from me. i am nutty at times. Not crazy, beating him nutty or anything like that. Just bitchy, depressed type of nutty.
But he puts up with me anyways.

Anyway - when I get this dress I am going to wear it and TRY not to "whine" but walk proudly. I will also try to take a photo and post it. No faces ...of course. :)

New beginnings!

So today is the day. My amazing kid graduates from H.S. I am both so incredibly proud of her and also saddened.
It's the end of an era in my life, having all three of my kids graduate. But, I am going to try and not focus on it "being the end" but rather it being a time for "new beginnings."

So, with that I move on. Let's discuss a new topic...cause I don't want to start crying. lol.

I used a new tanning product last night. It was called the "Tanning Towel." It has a nice color to it, and I look a tad more tanned - but unfortunately it did leave a few lighter patches on my arms - but it is the underneath part so I think I can get away with nobody noticing it.

Since the pants I bought for Graduation are now looking too big for me I need to go to Old Navy or Marshall's today to buy something new to wear. Plus my kid stole my shoes that I was going to wear to go with her dress...lol. So I need new ones!

Can we just say - that my bf has to be the best guy in the world! I never tell him that enough - and I need to.
After the Graduation, we are all going out to eat (most of us...my kids dad is an ASS so he will probably decline..) But my bf has told me he will pay for the whole dinner! That's over a hundred bucks there. I told him I will pay some too - he told me not to worry, but I am not one of those girls that let's my bf "support" me... lol.

I am so proud of him though. He really IS an amazing guy. This is one of the reasons why I love him. He is so unselfish.

I'm so glad I found him! Or rather...... he found me. : )

End of an Era...

Holy Moses! Just two more days until my baby graduates from H.S. This is most definitely the end of an era for me. I have raised three children and *that* part of my life has come to an end.

Wow.

In some ways I want to bawl my eyes out, and yet I am so incredibly happy I survived it! lol

But, I am somewhat saddened by the thought of no more school functions - no more calls from the principals office, no more report cards and free bus pass forms. Endless emergency forms that were to be filled out, year after year after year...

It all seems like a dream. And although I had to go through some of it on my own (when I left my ex in 2002) it was all worth it.

If I had it to do all over again. I wouldn't change a thing.

Well, maybe I'd make myself a tad rich.........

Ok, that would be the one thing I would change. : )

Graduation time..

Busy day today at work. We had a VP coming from the cooperate head, so of course everyone was a blaze in stress related factors.

I just gotta laugh because so many were scurrying around putting "fake plants here and chairs there."

My dept was supposed to look "really pristine" because we are pretty much the ones that actually pull in the cash flow. Without my dept the place would not be as popular as it is now.

Kinda silly though because if it was to look like they wanted - then we would not be working! So, all in all I left there at 4pm and we will see how good we did tomorrow when I come in.

Many things happening this week. My youngest is graduating H.S this week. I feel so old at times! This one is my last one to graduate.

I am so gonna have empty nest..

Sheesh, I think I already am. I have raised my kids since I was 19. What do I do now that they are all grown? Who do I wake up in the morn, now?

I just don't know. I need a dog or something. Can't have them here though. : (

A possible swinging party in the future?!

It never ceases to amaze my how seasonal I am. I really need to be figuring out a way to avoid those damn winter blues.
I know spring is a time for new beginnings and all that - but I really take it literally! Of course my bf thinks this is fantastic that we have made it through the winter months without a breakup! Can't really say that I blame him.

In the past 6 years we have been together I think we have broken up like 5 times. And yes, it's been because of me. I think we have finally figured out that it's my "Seasonal Affective Disorder."

I hate the winter months. I get so depressed. I don't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere, I get freezing cold all the time and I sleep even worse then my usual. It's a horrible time for me. Goddess bless my bf for putting up with it!

And now that the spring is here and summer is right around the corner - all I wanna do is screw.
I have sex on the brain for sure.

He was talking about us maybe going to a swinging party. And also maybe I would be able to blow him with people watching! Maybe even having a private sex fest with him and another guy.
I really would not mind trying that. Even though I am really afraid to! I am a huge chicken and am afraid to try everything it seems. I'm not a prude or anything - I'm just really shy. lol.

Well...ok...I think maybe I can be a bit of a prude sometimes... :)

I might even get brave and venture into a sex toy store this week! That alone is a huge step for me!

I'm trying to be more open to everything. Not because he wants me to - but because I actually want to! We have talked about swinging, MILF's and MMF for years now, so I think it's time that I get brave about it!

Let the journey begin!

No, I am most definitely not new to blogging. I have been around the blogging scene for quite sometime now. I have come back to blogger because I need to remain anonymous - if I am to be completely truthful with myself. There are many new things I am learning in my forties.

One of them is that I like to read and write about sex. And I also want to be a MILF, have a threesome and maybe swing with a couple!

My kids are all grown and my youngest is to graduate this month. Now it is time to focus on me. My wants, my likes and desires and become someone other then "mom."

This is not saying I do not want to be a mom. I love my kids and would go to the ends of the earth for them. But, in being a mom and starting at such a young age - 19 to be exact, I put all of my own needs and desires on hold.

And now - it is time. Time to discover who I am. Time to explore the kinky, dirty girl side of me.

Time to go on trips and time to have a threesome! Time to go to an adult toy store and watch actual porn movies with my incredibly amazing boyfriend!

Time.........to be me. Or at least find out "who" I am. I hope those who have decided to read here will join me in my journey of self discovery.

Something tells me it's gonna be a blast!

Sexy At Forty