Sexy At Forty: July 2009

Longing and being more flirty...

I miss my hunny this week. He is off on a much needed vaycay with his kids. He takes them away every year for a week or two up North. I think it's awesome, he is an amazing dad and has awesome kids. But I can't help but feel a little sad that he is gone.
He said he feels it too. Even though he really isn't all that far away - lol. He could even come pick me up if I was able to stay over a night! But... I guess it's that feeling of emptiness we are feeling. Cause we belong together and when the "other half" is missing you can actually feel it.

Even though we both love to have our space and time apart - it seems this year the longing feels stronger. He noticed it too. Strange I think. We have become really close this past year - much more then in the past. And our bond has gotten much stronger! This is a very warm, (and dare I say) - comforting feeling!

**************************************

So, I have been emailing with a newer guy this week. He seems nice enough to email. Have not seen a face picture of him yet - but his body was "ok" looking. I'm almost afraid to ask for a face picture! I bet ya $20.00 bucks he will be ass ugly!

My hunny would like me to be a bit more "flirty" with him. If he asks a sexy question, try and answer with a sexy/flirty reply.
Honest to the Goddess - I am AWFUL at flirting! I don't have a flirty bone in my body to save my life.. lol. I never had to flirt. Was with my ex from 17 - 32, I really never "dated" grown up style, so I really do not know how it works. It's pretty sad, but thanks to my super flirty bf - I am learning!
I guess it's getting easier to do, talking to guys and acting flirty/sexy. At least in email! I would never be able to pull it off in real life.

Anyways, the guy is nice - but a bit young. He is 27. I'm like 15 years older then him. But he has told me that he thinks older women are hot and he likes older gals. So I guess it's ok. He is single, is not a jerk and seems "normal" and friendly.
Who knows - if his face picture looks good he might just be doable! And I can actually step off my snot box and have some fun.

That would be amazing if I ever ventured out of my shell and did a threesome!..lol.

And then... If I actually wrote about it!!

Generic headache!

Sheesh, was it ever a super busy week this past week! I pretty much ran my ass off at work - which is actually a good thing - I don't think I could ever sit behind my desk all day and be happy, so I welcome the commotion when it happens. Still, I came home just about every night and crashed!

I only did my workout 3 times this week though and they were two days of the easy abdominal workouts! So I gotta really stay focused on what I am eating to make sure I do not go above 129 in the weight area. So far so good, so I'm not freaking all that much.

Now, I want my readers (Dharma..lol) to know I am NOT being negative here - but I have had a freaking sinus headache for about 3 days. I call it "sinus" headaches cause its usually my sinuses/allergies that cause them. But shit - these sets of "clusters" are really getting a tad annoying! Should be gone in another day or so, but man it can be pretty painful.

Usually a Benadryl works the best for me with a side order of Ibuprofen, but I don't have any of that, so I have been taking DayQuil sinus and all that. It's just dulling it though for a few hours which sucks.
My bf left me with some generic Excederine this morn so I just took some more of those and chased it with some Walmart generic allergy med. Keep your fingers crossed that it works!

Was hoping for a great night with my hunny, but thanks to my headache it didn't happen. I was totally zonked from the meds...lol. but I made up for it this morn!
That will be a different post though, I like to keep reg stuff and sex separate.

Schoolgirl HNT

Okies, this one is similar to the last picture I posted a few days ago. (my ass) But I was not feeling too creative today and I'm also trying to pack up a bit here in anticipation of my moving coming up in a FEW weeks!

This was a picture I was trying to take for my bf. It came out "ok" except my stockings are not "evenly pulled up." And... well, my thighs look big... and .......

OK - OK.... I'm gonna shut up before I pick it ALL apart!!

Happy HNT everyone!

An arguement and DP?!

It was a great weekend at my bf's house. I really like going there. I feel so comfy and at home. :) It has a real cozy feel to it. Before we got to his house though, we went to the "new" food store - that was huge! And then we went to the beach and sat there and I took some pictures of us and also some pictures of planes landing and taking off at Logan airport! It was fun to be so close to the airport that I got to take pics!

The best times I have with him are when we are just sitting and talking, and watching life happen. I feel so close and connected to him then. It's awesome. :)

Not everything was perfect though, and I had to be an ass - as usual. We did take a couple of pictures, before I got my bitch attitude on - then of course we argued - for like two hours. And then, he started to doze, and I started to cry. (This does not happen too often, cause I am Ms. Steel wall. lol.)
It wasn't what he was saying, or had said. It was just the tone - real anger. Real anger scares me sometimes - even though I know it's "just an arguement" I feel like it's the end. And that scares me. (I just won't admit it)
I got up to go pee and then when I came back to bed. I was thinking I could go downstairs cause I couldn't sleep, and cause I needed to cry and I don't like to cry in front of him. I told him I was going to go downstairs, and he said we could talk some more.
I do not really want to get into it right now, on most aspects he was right. I suck the fun out of everything. I could have shut up and just relaxed and went with the picture taking. But because I felt like a fool (because I was dressed up in something other then a pair of shorts and baggy shirt) - I turned on my defense mode and copped an attitude. I know I do this a lot and I will never figure out why - but I can't stop myself!
Anyways, this is a problem that I have that is VERY bad and has gotten horribly worse over the years.
In a nutshell though - I have such a deep, horrible hatred for myself.. for reasons I just do not know or understand. And because of that - I never allow myself any fun or anything.

Anyways... We made up. He snuggled up to me and wrapped his arms around me. And we talked a small amount. Then of course he started to kiss me - which makes me melt! He is the best kisser. (I love when we have hot kissing makout sessions!)
I guess this was makeup sex and I was liking it! (My ex would never "allow" makeup sex.)

Soooo then...... I asked him if he would like to give me a good fucking up my ass! We had discussed it a couple times a day or so ago and since I only do that once in a while - my "once in a while" time was up!
And I had mentioned about maybe doing a double penetration to practice when I get a real guy - but my dildo is a bit big. (for me anyways..)
Of course he is not going to pass on the offer to fuck me in the ass so he was up and back in a heartbeat with the oil!
I was on my knees in no time and it was actually hard getting him in. I think it might be because he wasn't there in a while! And, he was incredibly hard too! It was nice though and I was getting really turned on! Sometimes, it's what I need. Just some hard core fucking.
Then - he told me to get my dildo and start fucking myself. Of course I obliged, but man it was kinda painful at times! It was hot - it turned me on and I was really starting to get into it but I had to have surgery "there" many years ago, so I was afraid of tearing from super rough fucking in my crotch and ass at the same time.
I actually did get off a couple times. Once was very small though, and the other was more intense when I was lying on my back with him pounding away at my ass while I used my bullet.
All in all it was an amazing night of incredible makeup sex! And he came a huge amount! It was like, neverending! lol. And when we were finally done - it was 4am!

And, for your viewing (pleasure?) I am posting a pic of myself in my "outfit." My butt looks a tad big in it, But... this is me. It's who I am. It's not "perfect" like I would like. Maybe someday it will be, or maybe someday I can accept me for who I am.

Posting this whole picture for me is really hard. I'm not cropping and trying to cut out all the bad. But allowing the whole picture. So before I start picking the whole picture apart and ruin it... I am just going to say - enjoy!

Same old Saturday stuff.

Not much going on today. Just woke up a little while ago though! Gonna go to bf's house later today and stay over night. If aunt Flo is gone we will be able to screw around for a bit. We might take some pictures too!
I gotta bring my dorky outfits though so maybe we can get some decent pictures. I am thinking there won't be because I look awful in them all. If we were to take 50 pictures, maybe 5 won't get deleted. That's how awful I look in photos. lol I am just not one of those "photogenic" people.

Is that even the right word? lol.

Hopefully I will keep my mouth shut when we take them. I guess I am gonna bring the white and black outfit. I gotta find shoes for the black one though. I think I got some, not sure. I got some ugly white shoes for the white outfit though.
The last time I was there we took a ton of pictures, that's where I got my fat assed one that we took. I ended up deleting most of those pictures too cause they were stupid looking.

Gonna try to get some packing done before I go today. I actually think I packed up my camera charger though - so I gotta find that!

Gotta take my measurements at some point today and at least squeeze in my ab workout before I go too! Weight is pretty good - am now at 128.8. Not bad. Am nearing my goal each and every week. That's only about 13 pounds to go I think? The most part that needs help is my abs, so if I can just get rid of that I will be one happy girl!

I've been slacking a bit though, and I gotta be careful. My (Cooperate) boss loves to put Peppermint Patties and assorted candy on the desk for everyone, and I have grabbed a few this week. Not good. I don't want to eat empty calories when I am counting them!

Staying at 1200 - 1500 calories a day is not so easy when you are counting them!

But as my muscle mass increases, I will be able to eat more calories. So all is good. :)

Well, I'm off to do my abs, and I guess I gotta pack too. Everyone have a great weekend! Maybe I will have something good to report when I get back?

HNT number 4....!

Ok... Don't really got nothing for HNT this week. I took a ton of pics for my bf but I ended up throwing most out cause they just looked way too stupid. Me pretending to blow my dildo, screwing my toy and all that. I am a stickler for decent pictures. And I can never just get a decent one! So this one is pretty boring, but it's the best I have for now.

Sorry, I know my hair looks really shitty. I do not know why - but it seems to grow faster on one side!

Happy "HNT" peeps!

Can I clone my bf?

Well, I have not heard from the guy since that night we chatted. Well, we sent a couple emails back and forth and then he kinda stopped emailing (after I asked him if he liked to send texts at all). I was a bit annoyed at first - I get annoyed easy with rude people. But also a bit creeped out cause I actually sent him a couple pictures! I hope they don't ever end up somewhere! If so - my head is not on the body shot I sent - so at least that is good. lol.

Honestly though - I am thinking he might have been married. He sent me pictures from a hotel room AND bf was thinking the same as I was... He isn't showing his "ring finger" hand.

That's ok... cause honestly - I didn't like the shape of his mouth. He looked like he had an overbite or something. I'm really picky... so it was kinda odd that I was trying to be "ok" with it. lol

My body is still pretty gross looking though, so I can understand if he was not interested. I know there are men out there that like fat women, so eventually we will find one I spose. I can only hope he has a nice/decent body. I know I should not be so picky and be happy with what actually contacts me, but I can't help it. That site has such gross looking men on there it can get pretty discouraging.

And then it's more discouraging when the really nasty ones contact me! Like - really, who wants to fuck someone that looks like a homeless man? I don't!
I don't like many blonds, I don't like bikers, or a TON of tats. I don't really like most facial hair - some are ok with it, but not too many. I don't like guys that are too hairy AND if they don't have a chin - it's an instant "no."

The younger ones look good for the most part - but then they are also immature.

Can't I just clone my bf? He has amazing eyes, a good body, looks younger, a chin - and looks good in both facial hair and not. He takes care of himself and is not immature!!

Well, I'm off to do my ab workout and then my 40 minute cardio workout. I hope it helps with my headache and horrible, nasty cramps I woke up with this morning.
I suppose it's kinda good that I took today off cause they are inspecting all the apartments for "critters."
I hate to be at work when I'm in pain. It's just not fun.

later taters'

A big gurl step!

So, I finally did it! I actually chatted to a nice guy from the adult site! I am honestly amazed (and a bit proud of myself) that I was actually able to go take that next step!
I sent a face picture and he replied back and asked if I was still up.. I told him yeah I was but was gonna go watch TV.
I was telling my bf about it and he was hoping I would have chatted - so since I was in lazy mode I said I would try to chat via my I Touch, and if I could then we could chat.

It actually worked and I was able to do so! We chatted probably for an hour or so? He was not arrogant or a jerk and was not all about * how do you want to fuck* and all that. He did ask a couple questions like, "what would you like, where would you want to be?" And that type of stuff.

Even though I was really scared when I first started I felt comfy in a short time. Not like 100% comfy - just a lot more then when I began. He actually said I was nice and friendly! And not "all about the lifestyle." I told him that my bf and I are new to this whole thing and he lets me call the shots, but if we decided to meet that my bf would set it up and all that. He was fine with that and not at all pushy, which I liked!

His body looked ok. Maybe around a 7 or 8 ( if I had to rate it).Pleasant looking I guess you could say.

I am both scared and intrigued a bit by this whole process. One part of me wants to meet up and go to town with them both! And the other part gets all freaky and scared about it. Usually I let the scared part win out... so I don't know if it will actually happen or not. lol.

And, who knows I am still a bit overweight! If he is as superficial as I am, then he wont even think about it! I'm kinda feeling strange that I sent him not only a face picture - but body shots too! lol.

I guess all in all - the whole process seems a bit fun. I'm a little excited about it anyways. I am trying to live a little and although it's hard for me to learn, it's still kinda fun. I gotta at least try!

Who knows maybe in a year I will be reflecting back on this have screwed 10 men or something.. lol.

And my bf...? I think the poor guy has had a hard on for days! He loves that men are contacting me and wanting to screw me and chatting to me...

I will just have to take care of that for him this week sometime! :)

A funny courtesy of Southern Sage

OMG - Reading this joke today just totally cracked me up! I asked of I could repost it and Sage was ok with it. :)

So this joke comes to you courtesy of Southern Sage @ Welcome to Sageville. :)

I love it!

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
Classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked
the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched
the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss..and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

Yeay for new apartments!

I am so excited! I forgot to mention it yesterday - but I will be moving next month! It's not far - as a matter of fact I can walk there in under a minute.. heehee. It's one of the other buildings that this apartment complex/company owns. If I go out my back door - I'm there in 40 seconds!
I have been on the waiting list forever! We are talking many years! And I am finally going to be living in a two bedroom!

I GOT MY OWN ROOM! I can screw my bf's brains out... IN MY OWN ROOM - with the door closed! WooooHoooo!

I am currently in a one bedroom. Been here for a little under 10 years. I have been on the waiting list for just as long - but where I was always "late" with my rent (paid at the end of the month instead of the beginning) I was not really qualified I guess. Plus there are only a small amount of two bedrooms that are under subsidized rental apts, so it was harder for them to become available.

But one has become available and I looked at it and said YES!

I don't wanna get into too much detail and all, but it's such an awesome apt! First floor even, bright and sunny, and quiet! Did I tell you how excited I am!! And it has like 6 closets!

STORAGE SPACE!!

And I have a cool spot where I could put my treadmill I think! And NOT have to worry about the treadmill being too noisy!
And, I told my bf that we could actually sneak someone in when the kid is not around!

I'm so excited. It's gonna be a very busy August, that's for sure!

Happy Friday!

So, it is finally Friday. I am very excited about this! It has been one hell of a week. Now that my boss has left - about 50% of the shit he was (not) doing falls on me. Needless to say, the Dept Head meeting that I am now required to go to takes a good chunk (about an hour and a half) of my morning every day, so once again I gotta set aside my crap to do all that stuff. What a pain in the ass it is!
Everyone is so freaking stressed there it's not even funny. Even today - at the OTHER meeting I had to go to - (that lasted 2 hours) The poor unit manager was in tears and was heading for a mental meltdown. She is so stressed and is expected to do so much in an 8 hour day. I felt really bad for her. I almost started crying myself. :(

Anyways... it's Friday - and I am happy! My kid is away for the entire weekend, so I am gonna try and go on an adult site and maybe (if I get brave) chat with people, or a couple or something.

I told my bf that If I actually chat I will email him/save the chat so he can read it and get all turned on. :) He likes the thought of me flirting with other men. And it turns him on that other men "want" me.

We had a great time last night, pretending that I was with two guys..Well, he had a better time then me cause it's easier for him to pretend.. Heehee...

It was most definitely hot - but it's hard for me to "pretend" I am doing another guy. I don't know if it's because I am shy or because I am honestly not use to "casual fucking." I feel kinda odd talking about it with him.

I'm still not sure that I can even screw another guy while doing my bf... I am gonna try though! but it's hard for me to flirt and "be sexy." I don't feel like I have an ounce of sexy in me! I'm so clumsy and stuff... lol.

Ok... I'm really gonna try this weekend. I will. I will log on tonight or tomorrow night, and when I check the emails I will throw out some flirts.
And I will try not to be so picky either. I am terrible like that. I really am. I can't help it though. lol.

My HNT numba 3 !

Wow.... I cannot believe I am actually going to post HNT number 3 ! It's actually kind of fun to try and think of things I can do that is not too revealing - and also decent for my tastes. As you can see I most definitely need a freakin tan! My legs are white and the bright light/white wall does not help at all. lol. I think I am going to add this pic to my AFF account too. That seems to be what I have been doing anyways... If its decent enough for here then I think posting it there is ok too. Happy HNT everyone!

Boring bitching.

Not much going on this past week. Except of course my boss quit. He just walked out after having a discussion with his (my other) boss. Talk about a pussy. Now of course all the shit falls on me and I will be expected to not only try to get my shit done, but I gotta do half of his too. We knew he would not last. He was too much of a baby. So I knew when I was pulled into the office and he dropped the F Bomb about 10 times... his time was coming to an end. This really, really sucks though.

So, I made it through whatever the hell that crazy sickness was, and then my bf caught it. He still insisted on coming to my house for the weekend which made me feel bad because there wasn't really anything we could do because he was still sick. So yesterday we spent it doing nothing until around 7ish. He wanted to go to the fireworks and take a picnic for us. We did that last year. It was ok, a lot warmer this year I think so that was good. Fireworks sucked this year though. They changed the location of them so where before we were able to see three towns, this year pretty much only two. There were also too many bratty kids and teens there and he still wasn't feeling so great, so I felt bad that we had to sit there for almost two hours for 15 minutes of crappy fireworks. Hopefully next year we can maybe hit Boston. That would be cool.

All in all it was an ok weekend. I did'nt get any of my exercising in so I had to keep my calories low. I don't exercise in front of people, so there was no way I was gonna do it when my bf was here. If I'm too worried about looking like an idiot how am I gonna watch my form and all that!?

We got into an argument earlier today and he left mad. It's not anything knew - we argue from time to time. This time was because we were gonna take some pictures for the ad at AFF.

First off - I am not going to add those disgusting photos you see of nasty pussies and all that. I want decent shots. Erotic photography, not Penthouse look at my fat, nasty pussy crap. I hate that shit.
So, I tried on heels which are way to high for me to walk in - he says I gotta get use to them. Which in one way is true - I gotta get use to wearing heels. But I do not need to get use to wearing 4 inch freaking heels.. (or whatever height they were) Not out anyways. Where the hell do I go that I need to wear anything that high? I go food shopping..lol. That's about it.

And then I put on my thongs which were a bit too small because my fat was kinda rolling OVER them... I'm sorry - but if I see anyone like that I am gonna click off their picture.

So of COURSE where I felt (and looked) like an idiot my mouth started running.

The shots that he was taking were clearly shots that a slim girl would make - not a fat person trying to be slim. I am OVERWEIGHT I can only do so many shots that will look decent. Whole body shots do not look good. Legs up in the air look awful because I am allowing all the fat to pool at my waist. I have to angle it so my cheese curds are not showing, and with bad lighting, it's not so easy to do.. lol
He hates when I tell him how awful I look. I think it might be because I am truthful, and he knows that it's true. He just for whatever reason insists on not believing it and that is upsetting to me.
Sure, maybe he thinks I "look good" and that is fine. If he needs to pretend, then so be it - But I know the truth and I refuse to live behind a wall of fantasy. If I did that I would be triple the size I am now!
According to the charts I am STILL considered overweight . My BMI is 26.1 and for my height - 4' 11" I still need to lose..This isn't made up shit. I wish it was in some way, that way I could just be "crazy about my weight" or something. I have been trying so hard to exercise, workout and watch my calories. Ever since I quit smoking I have had this battle. And I have learned a lot along the way too when it comes to dieting/exercise. And honestly, It hurts me when I feel as though I am not being listened to. I looked awful - and afterwards when I looked (and deleted) all the photos, my thoughts were confirmed.

And according to the Hamwi formula, my height of 4' 11" ideal healthy weight is 111 pounds. My recommended weight range is between 98 and 123 pounds.
JFC... I am STILL 129... I have got a long way to go. And honestly, I do not know if I will ever get there - but at least if I look tone I will be happy..
Anyways, sorry to get off on a rant. He is just pissed now cause I took away the fun. And I am just pissed because I am still not losing like I want to be. He says I ruin everything with my mouth - and he is probably right.

I can't help but speak the truth. If I thought HE was fat I would tell him. I know he would want the truth so I would. I only ask the same in return.
If he wants to be with me when I am fat - fine. That's his choice. But telling me I am not fat when clearly I am bothers me.
That's just the way I am. Right or wrong, it's just me.

HNT numba twooooo!

So I wanted to post a pic for HNT - so while the kids away - the cat plays!

I had to dig out my hidden folder to actually find something. This was from last weekends time at my bf's house. I'm sorry it's not so good and my ass looks disgustingly fat here.
I should have taken pics in my black thongs instead of the orange boy shorts. Lesson learned I guess. lol. I think I look best in black, but this will do. Imagine how good my butt will look when I'm 15 lbs lighter! woooHooo!

Happy HNT kids! :)

Sexy At Forty